Young and Divorced

It was hard to believe that

this was the same man she

married.  They had started

off so strong.  They were told

that they were too young to

get married but they believed

that they were ready.  Their

love was strong enough to

weather any storms that

would appear on the

horizon.  Or so she thought.

Then the honeymoon was

over and the troubles began.

 

First there were little dis-

agreements here and there

then they evolved into

bitter quarrels which ended

in stony silence.  They made

up after a while but the

damage had been done.

The love they once felt

for each other no longer

inhabited their hearts.

It was time to call it

quits.  The love had gone

and bitterness had taken

its place.

 

There was no hope of reconciliation.

Divorce was the only course

of action.  How she hated to

admit that everyone was

right.  The signs had been

there before they got married

but she had ignored them.

Now, she was paying dearly

for her mistake.

 

She filed for the divorce.

How she hated divorce.

It was like a stain upon

her life.  At age twenty-five,

she was a divorced woman.

How sad.  How degrading.

She was the first member

in her family to be divorced

a distinction she would have

gladly not have borne.

 

Now she must return to the

single life.  Single life as a

divorced woman.  What a

frightening thought.  She

packed her bags and stood

on the threshold, the open

door leading to a life, a future

without him.  She would

face what was out there

and this time, she would let

wisdom guide her.

 

Wisdom is the principal thing; Therefore get wisdom – Proverbs 4:7 

 

blonde woman looking out

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Parental Fighting

Is fighting in front of your children ever a good thing?  An ABC News article says, it depends. In the article, Dr. Gordon Harold, a researcher at Cardiff University in Cardiff, Wales, parents can argue in front of their children but should do so with caution.  “It would be unrealistic to say that , you know, parents should never argue or should never disagree in front of their children,” he says, “Arguments and disagreements are a natural part of all relationships.”

A three-year study showed that if even if the parents’ argument has nothing to do with the kids, if they fight the wrong way, it threatens their emotional stability.  Dr. Harold says that when children are threatened at an emotional level, they show increases in negative symptoms such as depression, anxiety, aggression and hostility.  A child may react to the parental fighting by becoming withdrawn or quiet, which is often overlooked or the child may become aggressive and difficult and act out while the parents are arguing in an effort to distract them. It depends on the child and how he or she process what is happening.

 

The number of fights is not what impact children but whether or not the fights get nasty and if the parents make up.  Verbally or aggressive fights, the silent treatment, intense quarrels and arguments concerned or involving the child are the worst for children.  Just the other day a couple had an argument in the car on the way to drop their son to school.  There were raised, angry voices.  Their son was quiet at the back, doing his work.  The couple has since made up but it took time because a lot of negative things were exchanged.  It is not clear how this fighting affected their son but it seems like he seeks each parent’s attention by talking about problems he is having at school, wanting them to spend more time with him and showing them scrapes he got from playing at recess.

 

“Arguments that are dealt with effectively that are conducted calmly that show clear messages of negotiation and resolution have positive implications for children.” Dr. Harold says.  He went on to say that couples that are happy and comfortable with each other in their relationship are more emotionally available and sensitive to the children and their needs than couples that are caught up or embroiled in conflict.”

 

Experts say that although fighting can be damaging to kids, there are good lessons they can learn from it.  Apparently, when conflicts are handled constructively, kids learn how to compromise, to use humor and warmth to solve disagreements.  They also learn that it’s not the end of the world when you have a conflict with someone you love.

 

When parents leave the room to fight behind closed doors, the children can tell something is up, especially when their parents return and are visibly upset.  I have had my son ask me if I’m ok because he can see from my face and body language that I am upset.  We can’t fool them.  According to Murphy, children may assume that they are to blame for their parents’ fight.  According to an expert, boys and girls react differently.  Boys tend to withdraw while girls try to get involved.

I remember once when my parents were arguing in the car, my sister sided with our mother.  Once, when a friend’s son sided with her, her husband told him to stay out of it because it was between the two of them.  It was her husband’s belief that children should never get involved when parents are having a fight.  They should never take sides or say anything.  They should just keep out of it and leave the adults alone to deal with their issues.  Unfortunately, children blame themselves if the fights get worse.

 

Bear in mind that seeing their parents fight can be a very scary thing for children.  It’s as bad as seeing a parent cry.  I will never forget the first time I saw my mother cry.  As children we always like to think that our parents are in control.  It helps us to feel secure and grounded.  When they fight it is as if our world is turned upside down and we feel helpless and afraid.  As parents, we ought to do whatever we can to make sure that what we do will not hurt our children and scare them emotionally for life.  Some children take with them into adulthood the images of their parents fighting and end up having problems with developing relationships of their own.

 

Murphy, an expert on these matters, offers parents the following tips:

  • Count to 10 or leave the room to keep from arguing when you are upset.
  • If you do get upset, reassure your children by telling them that fights happen but you do love each other and it’s not the children’s fault.
  • Make up but don’t fake it.  Children will know if you are faking.

The Bible offers tips as well, when it comes to dealing with conflict.

  • “A good man thinks before he speaks; the evil man pours out his evil words without a thought” (Proverbs 15:28, TLB).
  • “A soft answer turns away wrath, but harsh words cause quarrels” (Proverbs 15:1, TLB)
  • “Pride leads to arguments; be humble, take advice, and become wise (Proverbs 13:10, TLB)
  • “Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath” (Ephesians 4:6, NKJV)
  • “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.  Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3, 4, NKJV)

 

Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) offers tips on how you can resolve an argument with your spouse every time here.   When these and other tips don’t offer you the resolution you need, it’s time to seek counseling.

sad child

 

Sources:  BibleinfoABC NewsFaithwriters

Don’t Be a Sluggard

Go to the ant, you sluggard!
Consider her ways and be wise,
Which, having no captain,
Overseer or ruler,
Provides her supplies in the summer,
And gathers her food in the harvest.
How long will you slumber, O sluggard?
When will you rise from your sleep?
10 A little sleep, a little slumber,
A little folding of the hands to sleep—
11 So shall your poverty come on you like a prowler,
And your need like an armed man – Proverbs 6:6-11.

Natalie was watching TV while her mother was busy cleaning the house.  It was the weekend and Natalie wanted to relax.  She had had a busy week at school.  She needed a break.  She sat on the sofa with her feet on the coffee table flipping channels with one hand while the other reached into the bowl on her lap to stuff her mouth with popcorn.  It occurred to her that she should be helping her mother but she didn’t feel like getting up.  She was quite comfortable where she was.

The phone rang but Natalie didn’t stir.  The call is probably for Mom anyway, she thought.  She heard her mother rush from the kitchen where she was mopping the floor to answer the phone.  Twenty minutes later, the annoying drone of the vacuum was heard.  Natalie turned up the volume to drown it out.

“Natalie!” her mother marched into the room and grabbed the remote.  Natalie jolted upright on the sofa.  She hadn’t heard her mother come into the room, of course.  “Turn that thing off and get up off that sofa and help me around this house.”

“But, Mom–” she started to protest, but was cut off.  Her mother was incensed.  Her face was red.

“I’m tired of you doing nothing around this house.  You are twelve years old now.  It’s time you started to take on some responsibilities.  As of today, you will not be a loafer, lounging about the place while I do all of the work.  Someday you will be some poor man’s wife and you will have to learn how to take care of him and your home.  No daughter of mine is going to be a lazy good for nothing who can’t be of any use to herself or anyone else.  Men don’t like lazy women.  If you want to be a wife and a mother, you have to learn to do things–starting now.”  She grabbed her arm and pulled up.   “I have a list of things for you to do, starting with cleaning up your room.”

Natalie grudgingly did what she was told.  For twelve years her mother had done everything around the house and she had liked it like that but now she was forced to do things now.  She had never cleaned her room.   A heavy sigh left her lips as she thought of the mess waiting for her.  She always depended on her mother to clean her room, cook, and take care of her and her Dad.  She didn’t like having to do household chores.  Her friends didn’t do household chores.  They would laugh if they knew or worse–feel sorry for her.  She felt like getting out of there and going to the mall but she knew that was a bad idea.  She would be grounded for sure and her mother might dump even more work on her.

As she climbed the stairs, she thought, “This stinks.  I’m going to marry a rich man so I won’t have to do any of this stuff.”

Twenty years later, Natalie smiled as she remembered her foolish dream.  She was married now but not to a rich man.  He was a manager at a small trucking company and they had two children.  Believe it or not, Natalie was a housewife.  She loved taking care of her family.  She was a terrific cook and was always looking for new recipes.  She loved to bake.  Just the other day she baked some brownies which were all gone now.

As she took a breather from her chores, she took up her Bible and sat down at the kitchen table.  She opened it to Proverbs 6.  She read it slowly.  She could relate to it.  The writer compared the ant, who was hardworking and industrious to the sluggard.  She had been the sluggard.  Lazy and idle–always making excuses.  She hated work.  When she wasn’t at school, she like to spend most of the day watching TV or hanging out at the mall with her friends.  If it hadn’t been for her parents she would not have done well in school.  Her father had always pushed her to study and work hard.  If she had her way, she would have preferred to skip school but that was definitely not an option.  Now she was encouraging her children to work hard and bring home the good grades.

She was especially thankful to her mother who transformed her from a sluggard into an ant.  It hadn’t been easy at all.  It was hard to go from being lazy to being hardworking.  There were quarrels, lots of tears but neither she nor her mother gave up.   Thanks to her mother, she learned the valuable lesson that a girl had to become a woman first before she could be a wife and mother.  She had to learn how to be responsible.   After reading Proverbs 31, it had become Natalie’s quest to become like the woman mentioned in it.

Just the other day her mother had said to her, “Nat, you have done very well for yourself.” She could see the pride in her mother’s face and that meant the world to her.   “Thanks, Mom,” she replied, giving her a hug.  “I learned from the best.”

Natalie is teaching her daughter how to be a woman so that one day she will be a wife and a mother just as her mother taught her.

She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all” – Proverbs 31:27-29

Mothers, it is very important that you teach your daughters and sons how to be responsible.  Girls, at an early age, should learn how to cook and clean.  One of my co-workers knew how to keep a home as early as nine years old.  I personally regret not learning how to cook when I was growing up.  My mother did not teach me and I didn’t take any interest in learning.  I am in my forties and I am still learning my way in the kitchen and how to keep a home.  Mothers, you will be helping your daughters when you teach them how to take care of themselves and the families they will someday have.  Don’t wait for them to show an interest–they might never do that.  You take charge and do what you need to do.  One day they will thank you.

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