Motherhood

Dirty pampers.  Waking up at all hours to feed.

Stressful days.  Fitful sleep.  The need for adult

conversation.  Relief when Dad comes home and

takes over.  You have time for yourself now.  You

savor the moment.  You get to do what you want to do.

 

But you don’t want her to grow up too fast.  You savor

those times when you can hold her in your arms,

breathing in that baby scent, listen to her coos and

gurgling.  Feel her little head rest against you shoulder.

You savor those moments when she looks up at you

with those big, trusting eyes.  And you enjoy bathing

her, laughing as she splashes the water, wetting you.

And those moments when you bonded as you breastfed her.

 

Savor every moment you have with your precious little

one.  One of these days she will grow up and all you

will have are memories.  She will marry and have

her own family.  And then she too will experience the

joys of motherhood.

 

smiling mother and baby girl

Women and Mental Health

May 1-7 has been Mental Health awareness week.

One in three Americans struggles with mental illness but the rate is much higher in women.  Research shows that women are 40% more likely to develop depression than men.  It is not clear why mental illness is more common among women but doctors have come up with a number of possibilities.

Discrimination, Trauma and stressful life experiences

Trauma is common among women with half of them experiencing some form of trauma in their lifetime.  One in four women have faced an attempted or a completed sexual assault.  Reportedly, one in three are abused by a domestic partner.  Gender discrimination, violence and mistreatment undermine a woman’s mental health.  Stress is a predictor of mental illness.  Women juggle housework, kids even while working fulltime.  They report that they have to work harder to get the same credit as men and worry about the gender wage gap.  They have to deal with sexual harassment and discrimination in workplaces where these are commonplace.  These challenges can significantly affect a woman’s ability to cope and her self-esteem.

Hormonal Issues

Women produce lower quantities of serotonin than men due to differences in hormone levels and this deficiency can lead to mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.

Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting

41% or women suffer from some form of postpartum depression.  Some of them are overwhelmed by the demands of parenting, especially in the early days.  I remember that there were times when I felt that I was drowning–in over my head.  Once I even cried out while I was holding my toddler.  Thankfully I had God and a very supportive partner.  It helped when he came home and I had an adult to talk to. Not all women are as blessed.  Research shows that women who don’t have supportive partners, experience traumatic births, live in poverty or a highly stressed will most likely develop postpartum depression.  

Gender bias is another problem women face.  Some research suggests that doctors tend to label women’s symptoms as emotional while taking the men’s symptoms more seriously.  So, a woman who reports that she is experiencing chronic pain to her doctor might be labeled as depressed.  This happens because we live in a world where gender discrimination exists and women are seen as more emotional and less rational.  

In many countries, the way health workers spoke to the women made it difficult for them to disclose their psychological and emotional distress.  And when they worked up the courage to disclose their problems, they were either over-treated or under treated by many of the health workers.

I read in an article in The Globe And Mail that women are getting the prescription that is available more often than the treatment they need.  They are getting medication to solve their problems even when science finds that treatments such as psychotherapy is equally or in some cases more effective without the side effects.  Bias in mental health care is a hindrance to women, preventing them from getting the proper help they need.  Not much effort goes into researching how drugs affect female patients.  While drug companies like to bombard women with their pills, most of their clinical trials have been dominated by men.  And the ironic thing is that the disorders most commonly diagnosed in women such as depression, anxiety and insomnia are the ones most likely to respond to therapy.  Most women are likely to prefer therapy over drugs.  

According to Dr. Marina Morrow, a Simon Fraser University psychologist who studies gender and mental health, “Women aren’t getting access to the range of care they need.”  She believes that an effective approach to this would be to include medication when necessary but in also offer therapy, peer support and pinpoint what social circumstances lead to the illness.

It has been argued that therapy is the safer, more effective and cheaper choice.  The authors of a 2015 study by Canadian and U.S. researchers concluded that, “There remains no sound justification to prescribe drugs without first trying therapy.  Dr. Cara Tannenbaum, scientific director of the CIHR Institute of Gender and Health, believes that “the way we fund therapies in Canada does not make sense right now.”  She wrote a letter to Quebec’s health minister to make the point that even if 20 per cent of seniors with insomnia received Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with is used to treat insomnia, the cost-savings to the system could be in the hundreds of millions, based on the potential falls that would be avoided.  Therapy saves on costly and debilitating falls and hip fractures.  

We live in a country where medication is favored over psychotherapy and women are more likely than men to be prescribed antidepressants and sedatives as seniors and as a result they are at a higher risk of suffering from adverse effects.  Hopefully more women and those in the medical profession will speak out against the bias that is prevalent in the mental health care.  Doctors and those in the health care system need to give women more choices when it comes to treatment.  It’s their health so they should have the right to determine how they want to proceed once they have been diagnosed.

depressed woman

Keep the Spark Alive

Remember those times when you and he were dating how you used to be on the phone for hours?  You never seemed to run out of conversation.  There were no awkward moments.   The conversation just flowed.  And when you were together, the time just seemed to fly because you were having so much fun? And the only times you were not together was when you were at work.  There were those occasions when you were with your family but more often than not, you were with him.  It was torture being apart and total bliss when you were together.  There were times when you would go out with other couples but for the most part, you and he preferred to be alone, enjoying each other’s company.

Things quickly got serious between the two of you and pretty soon you are planning your wedding.  The big day finally arrives and you walk up the aisle, your eyes sparkling with excitement.  Your heart leaps when you see him standing there, smiling at you.  You gaze at each other as the vows are exchanged and then the minister pronounces that you are husband and wife.   After you kiss, you stroll arm in arm down the aisle in the midst of a sea of smiling faces.  After the reception, you go on your honeymoon where you enjoy a week in paradise, wishing you could stay there for the rest of your lives.

Life is wonderful as you settle into being a wife to your new husband.  Then, you have children…

Suddenly it’s no longer just the two of you.  Now there are four of you.  In my case, there are three of us. When I was on maternity leave, I was so happy when my husband came home.  I needed adult conversation and company after spending all day with a baby/toddler.  I didn’t feel attractive so I didn’t feel romantic.   We didn’t have anyone to babysit and we didn’t feel comfortable getting a stranger to do it so we were stuck.  We couldn’t go out for a romantic dinner.  We had to settle for entertaining ourselves at home while trying not to disturb our son.

Now, it’s a matter of trying to find time for each other.  During the week, it’s a challenge.  By the time we come in from work, we are tired.  Sometimes we have to prepare dinner.  After we eat, we have to spend time with our son before he goes to bed.  Then we have to clean up and have our baths.  By the time we are finished doing these things, there’s not much time for us to relax.  We have gotten into a rut where we end up watching television or a movie instead of spending quality time together.  We don’t talk as much as we used to.  We are not bonding as we used to.  It’s not much different on the weekends.  Our son and other things demand our attention.  And there is hardly any “us” time.

When a couple doesn’t spend quality time together, their relationship suffers.  The spark starts to flicker and if nothing is done about it, it will go out.  Ladies, what can we do to keep the spark alive?  I came across these tips which I plan to put into action.  I hope you will find them helpful too.  Instead of writing the tips word for word, I rephrased them as best as I could.

Date Your Spouse

Go out for a date.  Set up a date night schedule.  This will help you to have quality time together and reconnect after a hectic week.  It gives you the opportunity to appreciate each other and to unwind.

Surprise

It’s nice to surprise your spouse from time to time.  It can be as simple as leaving a note on the fridge or flowers at the office or tickets to a fun event.  Make a special meal for each other.  Dress up sometimes.

Prioritize Each Other

Make time for each other.  It’s not easy when you have children but you must make the effort.  Without your marriage, there would be no foundation for your family.  Besides, you will be setting an example for your children when it comes to good/bad relationships.  Set a good example.  Make sure that your spouse knows how much you value them and that life wouldn’t be the same without them.   Don’t assume that they know this.  Tell them.

Be Affectionate

Show your spouse how much they mean to you not only in words but in actions.  Hug and kiss them.

Be Spontaneous

It’s hard to be spontaneous when you are raising a family and juggling so many things at once but it’s a good idea to change things up a bit.  Instead of your regular dinner plan, how about having a picnic or eating out?  Instead of staying in over the weekend – go out.  Be adventurous and steer away from the norm.  Spontaneity in your life will help to keep the spark alive (Belief Net).

Add Some Playfulness Into Your Marriage

This is a way of breaking out of a routine.  You can sneak in a quickie before making dinner.

Talk to Your Partner

Instead of watching television, talk to each other.  Sit outside and enjoy the weather while the kids are in bed (Canadian Living)

Respect 

Show each other the same respect you did when you were dating.  Let others know that it is an honor for you to be with the one you love.  Speak kindly and listen to one another again.

Gift Giving

You don’t have to give elaborate gifts.  A random card with a note letting them know you are thinking about them would do very nicely.

Studying One Another

Ask each other questions like you are meeting for the first time.  You might find out that the things you thought were true or what may have been true 20 years ago isn’t the case anymore (What Christians Want to Know).

Talk to couples who have been married for 40 years and over.  Find out the secret of their success.

Have fun trying to keep the spark alive in your marriage.  If anyone has any tips they would like to share, I would love to hear from you.

Husband and wife smiling

 

 

 

Sources: Belief Net; What Christians Want to Know; Canadian Living

Inspiring Story from Kenya

I read this inspiring story and just had to share it.

A Life of Influence

Elizabeth Kimongo was born into a traditional Maasai family in Kenya. In her culture girls are expected to marry soon after their twelfth birthday. Women have little to say about their lives, but Elizabeth refused to leave school to marry. She had a dream.

While home for vacation before starting high school, Elizabeth learned that her father had arranged for her to marry an older man. With her mother’s blessing, she escaped and returned to her Adventist school.

During high school Elizabeth took her stand for Christ and later was baptized. When she told her mother that she wanted to study at the Adventist university, her mother encouraged her to go.

Elizabeth is majoring in agriculture, a field that will help her teach her people how to preserve their land and provide a better life. She works on campus and receives some scholarship funds to help her pay her school fees. Sometimes she must take a semester off to work full time to earn the money to continue her studies.

Elizabeth’s example has helped her younger sisters stay in school and avoid early marriage. Her father, once angry that his daughter would refuse to marry the man of his choice, now accepts her decision. But he pressures her younger sisters to marry this man. Elizabeth encourages her sister to walk close to God and continue their studies to make a better life.

Elizabeth urges other Maasai girls to study hard and trust in God. “Don’t allow life’s circumstances to steal your life away,” she says. “Satan wants to destroy you. You must trust God and not let Satan have his way.”

Elizabeth is old enough now that her community will not force her to marry. They accept her as an adult woman who can make her own decisions. “I want to teach my people by example how to produce better crops for a better life,” she says. “The village has given me a piece of land that I use to plant crops so that my fellow villagers can see for themselves the success they can have by following my example.”

Elizabeth is grateful for Adventist schools that have prepared her to live a life of influence among her Maasai people. Our mission offerings and Thirteenth Sabbath Offerings help these schools reach young people in all walks of life, including Maasai girls in the heart of eastern Africa. Thank you.

Elizabeth Kimongo will soon complete her studies and return to her village to work for her people and share God’s love among them.

Produced by the General Conference Office of Adventist Mission.  email:  info@adventistmission.org   website: www.adventistmission.org

It takes great courage to follow Jesus Christ and to stand up for your faith.  At times it costs people their relationships with family, friends, their jobs or even their lives.  For this young Kenyan woman, following Jesus was worth whatever the cost it took to do so.  She knew that God had bigger plans for her life than entering into marriage she didn’t want.  Education was more important and God’s help and her mother’s support, she was able to achieve what she set out to do.  As a result she could now be a blessing to her community and a role model for young girls and women.  God, through Elizabeth, was showing the Maasai people that He can do marvelous things among them and give them a bright future.

Jesus said, “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”  Like Elizabeth we too can make a difference in our community and reveal God’s love in the process.  You too can be a beacon of hope.  Don’t let fear, insecurity, opposition, doubt or Satan prevent you from pursuing your dream.  Continue to put your faith and trust in God and watch Him do wondrous things through you.

Tough Being a Mother

One Saturday my husband and I were watching Nat Geo Wild. What tore at my heart was watching a hippo calf injured in a fight between two adult males and knowing that he was going to die. Tears came to my eyes as his mother went over to him and nuzzled him before he sank down to the ground and died. It was as if she were saying goodbye to him. She had to watch the crocodiles and lions contend over his body before devouring it. It was her only offspring and it would be a year before she bred again. There was another scene of a zebra calf and his mother as they were crossing the water infested in with hungry crocodiles. The calf was taken down by three crocodiles and torn to pieces while his mother and the other zebras watched. How heartbreaking.

I am thankful that I am not a mother who has to hunt for food and go through days of hunger because I couldn’t catch anything like the cheetah or a mother crocodile who has to fend off predators like the eagle or the jackal from her vulnerable young. However, this does not mean that it isn’t tough being a mother.

From the moment our children are born, we guard them fiercely, yearning to keep them safe all of their lives, not wanting to expose them to the world in which we live. Just as the animals in the wild have to struggle everyday to survive, we have to make ends meet so that we can provide for our young and give them a good life. We have to protect them from the predators out there as best as we could. We have to teach them to be smart and careful when it comes to strangers or even people they know.

We live in a society where there are predators who won’t think twice about harming an innocent child. They don’t look like the fearsome crocodile or the intimidating lion. In fact they come across as harmless. They disarm their victims and then they move in for the kill. When I receive emails from Dreamcatchers for Abused Children, I shudder and cannot bring myself to read them because the stories are horrific. However, it is comforting to know that many of the abusers are brought to justice.

As parents we have to do what we can for our children and hope that everything will turn out well for them. We cannot protect them forever but we can prepare them for life. Don’t be discouraged. Just keep on caring for and teaching them. The best thing you can be for your child–is a parent. Don’t be their friends.