Parental Fighting

Is fighting in front of your children ever a good thing?  An ABC News article says, it depends. In the article, Dr. Gordon Harold, a researcher at Cardiff University in Cardiff, Wales, parents can argue in front of their children but should do so with caution.  “It would be unrealistic to say that , you know, parents should never argue or should never disagree in front of their children,” he says, “Arguments and disagreements are a natural part of all relationships.”

A three-year study showed that if even if the parents’ argument has nothing to do with the kids, if they fight the wrong way, it threatens their emotional stability.  Dr. Harold says that when children are threatened at an emotional level, they show increases in negative symptoms such as depression, anxiety, aggression and hostility.  A child may react to the parental fighting by becoming withdrawn or quiet, which is often overlooked or the child may become aggressive and difficult and act out while the parents are arguing in an effort to distract them. It depends on the child and how he or she process what is happening.

 

The number of fights is not what impact children but whether or not the fights get nasty and if the parents make up.  Verbally or aggressive fights, the silent treatment, intense quarrels and arguments concerned or involving the child are the worst for children.  Just the other day a couple had an argument in the car on the way to drop their son to school.  There were raised, angry voices.  Their son was quiet at the back, doing his work.  The couple has since made up but it took time because a lot of negative things were exchanged.  It is not clear how this fighting affected their son but it seems like he seeks each parent’s attention by talking about problems he is having at school, wanting them to spend more time with him and showing them scrapes he got from playing at recess.

 

“Arguments that are dealt with effectively that are conducted calmly that show clear messages of negotiation and resolution have positive implications for children.” Dr. Harold says.  He went on to say that couples that are happy and comfortable with each other in their relationship are more emotionally available and sensitive to the children and their needs than couples that are caught up or embroiled in conflict.”

 

Experts say that although fighting can be damaging to kids, there are good lessons they can learn from it.  Apparently, when conflicts are handled constructively, kids learn how to compromise, to use humor and warmth to solve disagreements.  They also learn that it’s not the end of the world when you have a conflict with someone you love.

 

When parents leave the room to fight behind closed doors, the children can tell something is up, especially when their parents return and are visibly upset.  I have had my son ask me if I’m ok because he can see from my face and body language that I am upset.  We can’t fool them.  According to Murphy, children may assume that they are to blame for their parents’ fight.  According to an expert, boys and girls react differently.  Boys tend to withdraw while girls try to get involved.

I remember once when my parents were arguing in the car, my sister sided with our mother.  Once, when a friend’s son sided with her, her husband told him to stay out of it because it was between the two of them.  It was her husband’s belief that children should never get involved when parents are having a fight.  They should never take sides or say anything.  They should just keep out of it and leave the adults alone to deal with their issues.  Unfortunately, children blame themselves if the fights get worse.

 

Bear in mind that seeing their parents fight can be a very scary thing for children.  It’s as bad as seeing a parent cry.  I will never forget the first time I saw my mother cry.  As children we always like to think that our parents are in control.  It helps us to feel secure and grounded.  When they fight it is as if our world is turned upside down and we feel helpless and afraid.  As parents, we ought to do whatever we can to make sure that what we do will not hurt our children and scare them emotionally for life.  Some children take with them into adulthood the images of their parents fighting and end up having problems with developing relationships of their own.

 

Murphy, an expert on these matters, offers parents the following tips:

  • Count to 10 or leave the room to keep from arguing when you are upset.
  • If you do get upset, reassure your children by telling them that fights happen but you do love each other and it’s not the children’s fault.
  • Make up but don’t fake it.  Children will know if you are faking.

The Bible offers tips as well, when it comes to dealing with conflict.

  • “A good man thinks before he speaks; the evil man pours out his evil words without a thought” (Proverbs 15:28, TLB).
  • “A soft answer turns away wrath, but harsh words cause quarrels” (Proverbs 15:1, TLB)
  • “Pride leads to arguments; be humble, take advice, and become wise (Proverbs 13:10, TLB)
  • “Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath” (Ephesians 4:6, NKJV)
  • “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.  Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3, 4, NKJV)

 

Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) offers tips on how you can resolve an argument with your spouse every time here.   When these and other tips don’t offer you the resolution you need, it’s time to seek counseling.

sad child

 

Sources:  BibleinfoABC NewsFaithwriters

Elizabeth Smart

While I was at the hairdresser, I came across People Magazine with Elizabeth Smart’s wedding featured on the cover.  Elizabeth met her husband, Matthew Gilmour, a Scotland native while doing mission work in Paris.  After one year of courtship, the couple on February 18, 2012 in a private ceremony in the Laie Hawaii Temple.  I looked at her radiant face and was thrilled for her.  She had been through so much.  She deserved all the happiness she got after her horrific ordeal.

At the age of 14, Elizabeth Smart was abducted from her bedroom on June 5, 2002.  She was found nine months later on March 12, 2003, in Sandy, Utah, 18 miles from her home, in the company of Brian David Mitchell and Wanda Ileen Barzee. Her abduction and recovery were widely reported and were the subject of a made-for-TV movie and non-fiction book.

On October 1, 2009, Elizabeth relived those months of horror when she testified to being threatened, tied, and raped daily while she was held captive.  Her captor, Mitchell was sentenced to two life-terms in federal prison. 

What I admire about Elizabeth is that she didn’t let this rest at the trial.  She went on to take action–to make a difference.  She went from being a victim to being an activist.  On March 8, 2006, she went to Congress to support Sexual Predator Legislation and the AMBER Alert system, and on July 26, 2006, she spoke after the signing of the Adam Walsh Act. In May 2008, she traveled to Washington, D.C., where she helped present a book, You’re Not Alone, published by the U.S. Department of Justice, which has entries written by her as well as four other recovered young adults. In 2009, Smart commented on the kidnapping of Jaycee Lee Dugard, stressing that dwelling upon the past is unproductive. On October 27, 2009 Elizabeth spoke at the 2009 Women’s Conference in California hosted by Maria Shriver, on overcoming obstacles in life.  On July 7, 2011 it was announced that she would be a commentator for ABC News, mainly focusing on missing persons.

I learned about the Elizabeth Smart Foundation and the story behind its creation.

Too many families experience the nightmare of having a child go missing. I know what it is like to be that child. I know what it is like to think that one false move may lead to not only your own death but the death of family members as well. Nobody can ever blame a child for their actions when they are being threatened, bullied, forced, or coerced into doing something unthinkable. That is why the “Elizabeth Smart Foundation” was created, because what if we could prevent future crimes against children? Wouldn’t it be worth it to do everything to bring home that one child?

Elizabeth is a young woman of action.  She is working to prevent future crimes against children.  Her foundation’s mission is mission to end child victimization.  She doesn’t want families to go through what hers did.  And they were among the lucky ones.  The family of Samantha Runnion was not so lucky.  Samantha was kidnapped outside of her home and driven seventy miles away where she was sexually assaulted, beaten upside the head and asphyxiated.  In memory of this precious little girl, her mother Erin founded The Joyful Child Foundation.  I encourage you to visit their site and learn more about Samantha and what the work the organization is doing to help prevent another family from suffering like the Runnions.  As I read Samantha’s story, I pulled my child onto my lap and held him closely as tears filled my eyes.  We have to do everything possible to protect our children.  Don’t wait to talk to them about personal safety.  Erin Runnion offers these tips for parents.

In March 2011, Elizabeth was one of four women awarded the Diller-von Furstenberg Award.  The award included a $50,000 prize which she announced would be used to create her foundation.

Notes to Women salutes this remarkable young woman who has dedicated her life to preventing crimes from happening to children.

All of the children out there deserve to come home to their parents the way, the way Elizabeth has come back to us, … And I just hope and pray that Congress will quickly pass the Amber alert so those children will have a better chance.

I just had to ask about three times whether it was really true, … Then I just had to give thanks to God that she was found, that he has answered all the prayers.

Elizabeth Smart quotes

Sources:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_Smart; http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20572162,00.html

http://elizabethsmartfoundation.org/