Out of the Blue

“Why did he break up with me so suddenly and then disappear?” This is the question I have been asking myself since my boyfriend Harlan dumped me. We had been going steady since high-school and all through university. We were so happy together and madly in love or so I thought. Then, one day out of the blue, he broke up with me and then disappeared into thin air.

I was devastated. I kept wondering why. Why did he break up with me? Was it something I did wrong or could have done differently? I was hurting so badly. I honestly believed that alleviating the ache of a broken heart was impossible. I felt that I would never recover from this awful shock.

I wished that Harlan would call me and explain to me why he ended our relationship. I thought of calling his parents to ask if there was a way I could get in touch with him but I was afraid to. I was afraid that they would tell that he didn’t want to have anything more to do with me.

I didn’t know what to do or where to turn. I needed answers. I needed to make sense of what had happened to me. I wanted the pain to stop. Depression set in. I stopped hanging out with my friends. I spent most of my time in my bedroom, lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling or crying. I didn’t feel like talking to or seeing anyone. I didn’t have much of an appetite and sleep was elusive. My grades were beginning to slip. My life was a mess. Sometimes, I wished I could just curl up in a corner and die. Death would have been preferable to the persistent ache I was feeling every single day.

Then, one day, my mother came into my room and handed me a print out of an article she had come across. “Read this,” she said. “It might answer some of your questions about the sudden break-up.”

I took it from her. “Thanks,” I mumbled. I started reading it before she left my room. The words which jumped out at me were:

I know that you’re wondering why this happened? How could your boyfriend pull the plug out of the blue line this? Well, no one ever breaks up with someone for no reason, even if it might feel like that’s what he just did. Oftentimes, when a guy dumps you unexpectedly, it’s because something has been on his mind for a while and he didn’t have the courage (or didn’t know how) to bring it up.

So even if he ended it suddenly, it doesn’t mean there wasn’t something specifically bothering him about the relationship. With these kinds of breakups, there is a common theme that I have noticed over the years: Fear.

• Fear of commitment
• Fear of the responsibility that comes with a serious relationship
• Fear of not being good enough
• Fear of being vulnerable

Did Harlan break up with me for one or all of these reasons? And did he disappear because he really wanted to end our relationship and to make it hard for me to speak to him and to try to change his mind?  The article helped to explain the possible reasons for why Harlan broke up with me but I wanted I knew which one it was and I had a feeling that I never will.

I got off the bed and went into the study. I turned on the laptop and Googled how to get through this and found 5 Ways to Deal with the ‘Blindsided’ Breakup. After reading that, I started following the advice. I gave myself permission to go through the history of my relationship with Harlan to try and figure out where things went wrong. I talked to my older sister, Becky to see if she could shed some light on the matter. I reconnected with my friends. I decided to keep a journal which I found to be very therapeutic. I decided to sign up for scuba diving lessons, something I had always wanted to do. The last tip took a while but I was finally able to let go of my need to know why Harlan dumped me. The fact is he did and it was time for me to move on and stop obsessing over the reason why we weren’t together anymore.

I have no animosity toward him. I wish him all the best. I know now that he wasn’t the right guy for me.

Currently, I am doing my Masters in Biomedical Engineering. I got my scuba diving certificate and am looking forward to going to the Bahamas in June with my friends. I’m not dating right now but that’s fine. I’m taking time just for me. Life goes on. Life without Harlan is possible. Life is good.

Sources: With My Ex Again; Shape;