Living Again

It has been five years since Pamela died. I try not to think too much about it or to blame myself, which sometimes, is easier said than done. The accident happened just after she left my flat. She was in a bad state. I should have gone after her. I should have either called a taxi or taken her home myself.

I still beat myself up over my last words to her which were hurtful. I didn’t mean any of it. I would have had several drinks at a bar but I wouldn’t have picked up a woman and had sex with her. I don’t know why I said that. I was hurting, I guess I was lashing out at her even though it wasn’t her fault that we were related.

After she left, my flat and my life felt unbearably empty. And in spite of everything, I didn’t want to be with anyone but her. When my mother told me about the accident, I was devastated. I wanted to go to the hospital but she told me that Pamela had died on the way there. I hung up the phone and then broke down.

In the months following her death, the pain and loss were unbearable. I tried to numb the pain with heavy drinking but it didn’t work. I felt as if my life was over. It was one thing for us not to see each other any more but that the realization that I would never see her again was too much. I couldn’t bring myself to go to her funeral. I knew that if I went, I wouldn’t be able to control myself. So, I stayed home and mourned by myself. Mother came and stayed with me for a while. For a very long time, I couldn’t sleep or eat. Not a moment went by when I didn’t think about Pamela.

It took a long time for her to convince me, but I finally went for counseling. It felt good to talk to someone else about my relationship with Pamela. And at my therapist’s recommendation, I joined a support group for Sibling GSA (Genetic Sexual Attraction). Lisa, the woman in charge of the group was so comfortable to talk to. We all opened up and shared our feelings of pain, guilt and shame. I told them about Pamela and that she died on the same day I ended our relationship. I broke down and cried. It was very therapeutic.

I’m no longer going to the group sessions but I joined an online forum which protects the members’ privacy. I have read a lot of material and personal stories about GSA and I have shared them with Mother. She has been a tremendous support for me. She used to blame herself for not telling me about Pamela when she first found out about her but I told her that it wasn’t her fault or mine or Pamela’s. None of us could have imagined that things would turn out the way they did.

I’m on my way home now. I have just come from visiting Pamela’s grave. I have been stopping by once a month. Where she was laid to rest is so peaceful. I don’t feel sad. I believe that I will see her again one day.

It was Juanita. I haven’t seen her since Pamela died. She came up to me and hugged me. “It’s so good to see you, Colin,” she said. “How have you been?”

I shrugged. “Fine,” I said. “I still miss her.”

“You will always miss her but the pain will become less as time goes by. You have lost a lot of weight. Why don’t you come over for dinner one night and I’ll feed you?”

I smiled. “I must just do that,” I said. She was an excellent cook. It was one of the reasons why Ronald married her.

“We missed you at the funeral but we understood why you didn’t come. You loved her very much. It was obvious to all of us. She was the love of your life–your soulmate. It’s so tragic that she was taken away so soon. Well, she’s at rest now. Her memory will live on.”

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak because of the lump in my throat. She reached out and gently squeezed my arm. I wonder how she would react if she knew the true nature of my relationship with Pamela. Would she be disgusted or sympathetic? I decided that she would never know.

“Ronald, his niece, Janelle, another couple and I are going to a pub on Saturday night. Why don’t you join us? Ronald would be so thrilled to see you.”

My first instinct was to decline but I didn’t want to spend another lonely weekend in my flat. Too depressing. “All right,” I said. “I’ll come. Just tell me where and when.”

She smiled. “I’ll call you tomorrow with the details. “I promise you will have a good time. You have to live again. Pamela would want that.”

“Yes, she would,” I agreed although I believed that Pamela would rather that I remained celibate for the rest of my life. She had nothing to worry about because the last thing I wanted to was to be in another relationship. I decided to make this clear to Juanita. “I’m not interested in meeting anyone.”

“Don’t worry,” she assured me. “I didn’t invite you to be Janelle’s date.”

“Good. So, I guess I will see you on Saturday.”

“Yes.” She hugged me again. “I’ll see you then. Adios.”

“Adios.” I watched her walk away before I continued towards the tube station. Mother would be thrilled to know that I’m going be with spending time with friends instead of being cooped up in my flat. And if Pamela were still alive, she would have wanted us to go and have a great time. Nothing will ever be the same without her.

This is the sequel for It’s Over.

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