Breaking Up

I grew up in a Christian home, read the Bible everyday, went to only Christian schools and attended a Christian university. Most of my friends were Christians. I didn’t drink, smoke, go to clubs or even the movies. I didn’t read certain types of books and I listened to only two types of music–Christian and Classical. So, how did I end up here in a motel room with a married man?

Even as I got dressed, I still couldn’t believe that I was living a double life. I was active in church, the leader of the Youth Ministry, involved in a community outreach program which works to help homeless youth and women living in shelters and an A student at university. How could a good Christian girl end up becoming like the woman caught in adultery in the Bible? Well, I hadn’t been caught in the act but I was afraid that someone would find out about my affair like my boyfriend, Michael, for example. How would he feel if he only knew that while I was abstaining from having sex with him, I was sleeping with a man twice my age? To say that he would be very upset was a gross understatement.

The man I was having the affair with knew about Michael just like I knew about his wife. He and his wife didn’t have any children. If they had, I wouldn’t be with him. I know what it’s like to have one parent cheat on the other. For years, my father, who was, by all appearances, a godly man and a Sunday school teacher, had been having an affair with Roseline, our Haitian domestic. No one knew about it except my mother who caught them together in our basement one afternoon when she went home early from work because she wasn’t feeling well. My father was supposed to be at his workplace. Apparently, he had been going home for lunch everyday.

My father ended the affair, Roseline was dismissed and my mother didn’t file for a divorce as she had threatened. My father’s affair had affected not only his relationship with my mother but it had affected his relationship with me. I had lost my respect for him.

It’s funny that I lost respect for my father because of his adultery and yet, here I was causing another man to do to his wife what my father had done to my mother. In short, I’m a hypocrite. Being in love with this man didn’t change the fact that what I was doing was wrong. It went against everything which was clearly written in God’s Word. I must end the affair. I had planned to do so tonight but the moment I saw him, my resolve weakened. I promised myself that the next time we saw each other which was next week Tuesday, I will end it.

We were both dressed now. He gave me a ride home. We kissed in the car and said, “Goodnight,” and then I got out. He drove away as I walked up the driveway. I was still living with my parents until I graduated and found a job. That was a year away.

I went straight up to my room and after changing into my pajamas, I turned on my laptop and finished walking on an English paper which was due on Friday. After I was done, I sat in the chair by the window, knees drawn up with my arms wrapped around them. I felt the Holy Spirit convicting me. It was time for me to make things right with God. I had to stop sinning against Him. I had to end my affair with my married man.

I prayed and begged God to help me to do it. I needed His strength, not only to end my affair but to walk away completely. I knew that I didn’t have the courage to do it alone. God’s answer was this promise, “Be strong and courageous. Don’t be fearful or discouraged, because I will be with you.” That really encouraged me.

The next morning, I sent my lover a text and asked him to meet me at Nancy Whiskey Pub in Tribeca that evening. I went home, showered and changed and then headed for the pub. He was already there, waiting outside for me. My heart began to pound like crazy and I was so nervous. As I approached him, he turned and saw me. I wanted to run to him and throw my arms around him but I kept them in the pockets of my coat.

He stood up and turned to face me. He looked so handsome in the black tee shirt and jeans. I didn’t think that it was possible to love him more than I already did. I prayed under my breath, asking God to give me the strength to do what I had to do. We hugged and kissed. It was the last time we would do that, I thought as we walked up the stairs and got a table near the window in the attic-like space. 

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“I’m surprised that you wanted us to meet here,” he said, leaning forward.

“I chose here because I knew that I won’t have to worry about bumping into anyone I know.”

“So, why did you want us to meet?” He covered my hand which was resting on the table but I withdrew and placed it on my lap. He frowned. “What’s wrong, Rhoda?”

I couldn’t look at him then. I lowered my head as I fumbled for the words to say. My heart was beating so fast and my hands were tightly clasped in my lap. “Darius, I asked you to–to meet me here so–so that I could tell you that–that it’s over between us…”

My voice trailed away and I raised my eyes to look at him. He was staring at me with a stunned expression on his face. Finally, he asked, “Why?”

“You’re married.”

“But you knew that when we got involved. What has changed?”

“I can’t continue having an affair with a married man.”

“What we have is a relationship not an affair. This isn’t mainly a sexual thing between us. I have feelings for you. I love you.”

I felt the tears coming. My heart was breaking. I wanted to hold his hand and tell him to forget the whole thing and that we would see each other as usual but the Holy Spirit reminded me that, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. “I love you too, Darius but I can’t continue sinning against God. It’s a sin for me to even be in love with you because you are married. It’s a sin for us to be seeing each other. I have to break up with you. Please don’t make this any harder for me.”

I could see the pain and distress on his face. “Are you sure you’re not breaking up with me because of Michael?” he demanded. “Have you slept with him?” Jealousy flashed in his eyes.

“No!” I protested. “Michael and I have never slept together. You’re the only one I’ve been with. And he isn’t the reason why I’m breaking up with you. I’ve told you why.”

“Are you going to continue your relationship with him?”

“I–I don’t know. I have to go.” I had to get out of there because I didn’t want to break down in front of him. I grabbed my bag and rose to my feet. “Goodbye, Darius.” And I was running down the stairs and away from the man I was madly in love with. I ran to my car and got in. The floodgates opened and the waterworks gushed out. I don’t know how long I sat there, crying my heart out. Fortunately, there were no cars parked beside mine and where I was parked there wasn’t much light. I don’t know how long I was there but the sun had set by the time I pulled out of the parking lot and headed home.

Thankfully, parents weren’t at home so they didn’t see the state I was in when I dashed into the foyer and up the stairs to my room where I stayed for the rest of the night. I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. I threw myself on the bed and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. God had given me the strength to do what I needed to do but now I needed Him to help me with the pain. “Oh, Darius,” I wailed, hugging the pillow tightly against me. How was I going to live without him?

Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin – James 4:17. To commit adultery is to sin against God who created marriage at the beginning.

The sequel for this story is The First Meeting.

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